Stillness on the outside, raging turmoil within. Never silent, never quiet, never peaceful, the thoughts race round and round inside my mind. Sometimes more slowly, other times at light speed, careening here and there, back and forth, up and down.
Chaos.
There are moments of crystal clarity. Moments when the possibility of expression collides with circumstance. Moments when expression happens and is rejected and refused. Moments when expression happens and pain is the result.
Two things I have always known I am. One is intelligent and the other, well, it naturally declines with age at an alarming rate and there is nothing I can do about that. Intelligent collides with some around me and that collision leaves me confused. Reclusive. Tired. On the verge of depression.
I am what I am. There are some things about me that cannot change. Will not change. Some things just make a person who they are, and this is one of them. Intelligent is who I am – must I be unintelligent to be acceptable? I refuse that completely.
If I offend because I am intelligent – is that my fault? I struggle internally. I am a questioner. I do not accept things simply because someone tells me they are true. I look for underlying reasons. I look behind the obvious. I seek the truth – not what is shown.
Masks. My world is filled with masks. I am an unmasker by nature. I seek the truth behind the obvious. And that makes some very uncomfortable. My inner self shouts to the heavens: “Tough beans! Get over it. Your reaction is not my problem!” My inner self whispers: “I am not acceptable. I am not worth anything. There is something wrong with me that must be destroyed, corrected, deleted – Find it and do so!”
So many things right now to deal with. Emotions. Physical limitations. Age. Changes that I cannot control or reverse or refuse. This one thing more is a pebble dropped that causes a finely balanced rock to tip and teeter toward the edge.
I am on the verge of implosion. I have been here before. I have imploded in the past.
I do not want to go there.
I am terrified.
Unable to cry out to my heavenly Father, I reach out in the dark and ask Him to hold my hand. I cannot cry out to those around me – that is not permissible or desirable. I will not cry out to those around me because the judgment is too severe. The assumptions that will be made are not correct and I have not the strength to correct them. No one asks “why?” No, I am the one who asks that question and am verbally slammed – the pebble drops and the other person never takes the time or care to discern.
I am very tired. The struggle is difficult. It is lonely. Only my husband catches a glimpse of it here and there. The struggle is private, not to be shared with those who do not, can not, will not understand. Those who can and do understand can help only to an extent. Yes, it is very private.
And very, very lonely.
Father God in heaven, I praise you and thank you that you did not leave me alone in this, but that you give me your Word, in flesh and in print.
A song. A psalm of the Sons of Korah. For the director of music. According to mahalath leannoth. A maskil of Heman the Ezrahite.
O LORD, the God who saves me,
day and night I cry out before you.
May my prayer come before you;
turn your ear to my cry.
For my soul is full of trouble
and my life draws near the grave.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
I am like a man without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit,
in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily upon me;
you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
Selah
You have taken from me my closest friends
and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, O LORD, every day;
I spread out my hands to you.
Do you show your wonders to the dead?
Do those who are dead rise up and praise you?
Selah
Is your love declared in the grave,
your faithfulness in Destruction?
Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
But I cry to you for help, O LORD;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
Why, O LORD, do you reject me
and hide your face from me?
From my youth I have been afflicted and close to death;
I have suffered your terrors and am in despair.
Your wrath has swept over me;
your terrors have destroyed me.
All day long they surround me like a flood;
they have completely engulfed me.
You have taken my companions and loved ones from me;
the darkness is my closest friend.
Psalm 88
